Broken

The lies and deceit,

That led to heartbreak.

The words and smiles,

They were all fake.

False pretenses,

That caused my tears.

Then it was realized,

True was my fears.

My heart ripped to shreds,

Crumbled to ashes.

Torn from my chest,

My life stumbles and crashes.

The promises you gave,

Everything I believed.

The thoughts I had,

And the future I conceived.

All of it’s over,

And I’m left holding to the past.

Just want to say,

I miss you and you left too fast.

My heart is empty,

And my soul is broken.

Fall to Pieces

No, not the Avril Lavigne song... although it does fit my mood.

Everything is falling to pieces, most everything in my life is just falling apart and I'm just making it worse. Before I was terrified of college, and I still am, but at least now I can go somewhere where no one knows me and no one knows how much my life sucks. The sad part is I know there is still some good in my life but I just can't focus on it.
I feel like there is a huge hole in my heart and my soul, I constantly feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to eat (I do though), and I can't sleep and its all because of him. I just don't understand how everything has changed so suddenly. On the plus side this is the first day I haven't cried since Tuesday. That's not to say that I haven't come close.

How can I just pretend that we never had anything, that we didn't spend almost an entire year the way we did. And here are the tears. How can I pretend that every time I see you, I don't want to fall to pieces and that everything is ok between us? That you didn't move two days from breaking up? How can I pretend that I'm not falling apart inside and that nothing is ok with me? All I want to do is lay in bed and never come out. Most of all I just feel so, so, so sad and I don't know how to make it go away.

When I told you that one day you would miss me, and no girl will ever live up to what we had, all you could say is "Same to you" you don't even deny it, and yet you feel nothing for me anymore? You love me as just a friend? When did things change?

You've already moved on, and all you want from me is to do the same. I can't do it that fast, not like you apparently can. But of course, I'll try. I'll do anything, just to see you smile. And if me moving on would make you smile than I'll do it. I just want you to be happy, no matter how sad it makes me. So I'll go on meaningless dates (like last night) in an effort to move you out of my heart. I've already started participating in self destructive behavior (the kind I will not admit to anyone, not even strangers on the Internet), look what you've turned me into.

"Just to see you smile, I'd do anything that you wanted me to do. When all is said and done its worth all that's lost, I'll never count the cost. Just to see you smile."

I've turned into someone so pathetic and sad, and that just makes me feel more sad. I just miss you so much.
You broke my heart, but I still love you with all the pieces. </3
Forever and for always, your love.

I seem to have fallen behind

It's been awhile since I have updated my blog. I kind of figured that would happen but I'm going to try and stay into it now. So here is announcement about my new found commitment to my blog. Lets see how long this lasts.

McDonalds- I'm not loving it.

So, just last week I turned in my two weeks notice to my awful horrific job- McDonalds. I hated it, I hated some of the managers I worked with and disliked others. I wasn't thrilled with some of the people I was forced to work with nor was I entirely thrilled about the people I was forced to deal with.
I applied to a couple new places and got an interview at Red Lobster as a hostess. And I couldn't deal with it anymore and so I quit. I haven't been happier.
To be honest, I believe that I was slightly suffering from depression because of that monstrosity people call a restaraunt.
As my cousin would say "Cool beans!"
Hasta luego.

Seniors Say Cheese....

"Smile pretty now." And the flash goes off. Today was school picture day and the lady behind the camera kept telling me to smile pretty. So, naturally my smile came off as cheasy and fake. Then I had the feeling I was going to heave all my insides out when I saw myself in the cap and gown. It made Senior Year a little  more real. I feel sick now, just talking about it. In just 6 months I will be graduating. Its getting closer and closer and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. Bleh. But I digress... back to picture day. I think its ridiculous; "Smile pretty" camera people are annoying. Not to mention they're either really perky and nice or really rude and stern.
I  hate picture day, I hate fake/posed pictures. The best pictures I've ever seen were candid shots and an ultrasound of my soon to be little brother or sister.
Did you know the expression "Say cheese" was chosen because when you actually say "cheese" your mouth looks like you're smiling.
Well, I've typed enough about nothing once again. By the way, happy early indegenous slaughter day (or thanksgiving for most).

Senior Year

No one told me becoming a senior in high school would make me feel like a senior citizen. *sigh* Second day of Senior year and I still cringe at the word (Senior not year). I'm scared to death of graduating, I'm scared to death of leaving for college because I know that I'm not going to stay here for college; especially since I plan on coming back to be near family. And I'm scared that I'm not going to end up doing what I want with my life and I'm not going to know anything about taking care of myself. I've given this rant several times to step mom, often all in one breath, and each time the scenario of my future gets worse and worse. I am terrified.
Contrary to popular belief the first week of school is awful, schedule mix-ups etc. so in my mind the first day of school isn't really until the second week when most things are back to ordinary. Thinking of the future makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I'm not even really looking forward to the perks of being a senior yet, because it just means I'm one step closer to being on my own, one day closer to graduation. I love my school, I love my debate team, the theater group, my friends, the teachers, the yearbook/newspaper staff, and I really, really do not want to leave this all behind.
I know I won't be completely alone 'cause I'll have my parents and what not but still... sometimes I feel like I'll screw up. So I completely and utterly terrified.

I am beautiful

So last week I was in Washington for my grandfathers funeral. It was odd to return to the place I had grown up but hadn't been for about five years. It of course was still beautiful but I had no desire to see any of my past "friends" mostly because I had never really been close to any of them, and I now know nothing about them except from the occasional facebook blurb. But anyway, while we were there we did go see my moms ex-boyfriend of 7 years to get some of her old stuff. Most of it was just pictures, and I just about cried looking at myself when I was younger. First of all I was freaking adorable. Secondly, I realized how much I had changed and I was kind of ashamed of some of it. I used to be such a diva (but in a good way) in the sense that I would pose if someone pointed a camera in my direction. I was confident and would look anyone in the eye, and in some ways I have lost that person but in some aspects she's still there.

I am still who I am, and there is no way I will pretend to be something I am not. That's just who I am, and I am not ashamed who I am. I participate in debate, theater, talent shows, I still have my pride and individuality, I will tell anyone when and why they are wrongand I am a very social person. In these aspects I am still that little girl. But I shy away from the camera, I refuse to look anyone in the eyes and won't always hold my head high, somewhere along the way I've lost that confidence that I used to have.
There were a lot of factors that contributed to this. Part of it is that I was forced to move in the middle of my first year of middle school, when I was finally making friends. I was sent halfway across the country with just my brother, my mom remained behind for awhile to take care of some things. I was at an awkward age thrust into a difficult situation without the one person who was supposed to be there to guide me. This part also sounds a little selfish but I was used to being the baby and living with my aunt and two younger cousins, I wasn't anymore. I missed my mom, I missed my friends, I missed my home, I missed the cold air of Washington and the beautiful green trees. When we finally did get situated and I was living with my mom in Houston and then seventh grade started. Then he happened. I hate to admit that a boy was the final peg in my destruction but he was and it absolutely ruined me. And because of these factors and probably more that I have left out I became this scared, low self-esteem person.
This trip opened my eyes to that, and even before the trip I was trying to work on how I saw myself. And after a long talk with my mom I realized some things about myself and who I am- and I hope that I can find that part of the little girl I used to be. I want to be confident in myself, and I want to have a positive image of myself.
Despite crappy circumstances, I think this trip did me some good. I also think it was good for my aunt and my mother. I got to spend some time with my mom which I don't get to do often, I got to bond with my mom and my aunt and see my grandma and great grandmother again.
So... With all of this said, I am beautiful and I can do anything. :)

I hope everyone is having a blessed day and find something about yourself that you love.