Seniors Say Cheese....

"Smile pretty now." And the flash goes off. Today was school picture day and the lady behind the camera kept telling me to smile pretty. So, naturally my smile came off as cheasy and fake. Then I had the feeling I was going to heave all my insides out when I saw myself in the cap and gown. It made Senior Year a little  more real. I feel sick now, just talking about it. In just 6 months I will be graduating. Its getting closer and closer and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. Bleh. But I digress... back to picture day. I think its ridiculous; "Smile pretty" camera people are annoying. Not to mention they're either really perky and nice or really rude and stern.
I  hate picture day, I hate fake/posed pictures. The best pictures I've ever seen were candid shots and an ultrasound of my soon to be little brother or sister.
Did you know the expression "Say cheese" was chosen because when you actually say "cheese" your mouth looks like you're smiling.
Well, I've typed enough about nothing once again. By the way, happy early indegenous slaughter day (or thanksgiving for most).

Senior Year

No one told me becoming a senior in high school would make me feel like a senior citizen. *sigh* Second day of Senior year and I still cringe at the word (Senior not year). I'm scared to death of graduating, I'm scared to death of leaving for college because I know that I'm not going to stay here for college; especially since I plan on coming back to be near family. And I'm scared that I'm not going to end up doing what I want with my life and I'm not going to know anything about taking care of myself. I've given this rant several times to step mom, often all in one breath, and each time the scenario of my future gets worse and worse. I am terrified.
Contrary to popular belief the first week of school is awful, schedule mix-ups etc. so in my mind the first day of school isn't really until the second week when most things are back to ordinary. Thinking of the future makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I'm not even really looking forward to the perks of being a senior yet, because it just means I'm one step closer to being on my own, one day closer to graduation. I love my school, I love my debate team, the theater group, my friends, the teachers, the yearbook/newspaper staff, and I really, really do not want to leave this all behind.
I know I won't be completely alone 'cause I'll have my parents and what not but still... sometimes I feel like I'll screw up. So I completely and utterly terrified.

I am beautiful

So last week I was in Washington for my grandfathers funeral. It was odd to return to the place I had grown up but hadn't been for about five years. It of course was still beautiful but I had no desire to see any of my past "friends" mostly because I had never really been close to any of them, and I now know nothing about them except from the occasional facebook blurb. But anyway, while we were there we did go see my moms ex-boyfriend of 7 years to get some of her old stuff. Most of it was just pictures, and I just about cried looking at myself when I was younger. First of all I was freaking adorable. Secondly, I realized how much I had changed and I was kind of ashamed of some of it. I used to be such a diva (but in a good way) in the sense that I would pose if someone pointed a camera in my direction. I was confident and would look anyone in the eye, and in some ways I have lost that person but in some aspects she's still there.

I am still who I am, and there is no way I will pretend to be something I am not. That's just who I am, and I am not ashamed who I am. I participate in debate, theater, talent shows, I still have my pride and individuality, I will tell anyone when and why they are wrongand I am a very social person. In these aspects I am still that little girl. But I shy away from the camera, I refuse to look anyone in the eyes and won't always hold my head high, somewhere along the way I've lost that confidence that I used to have.
There were a lot of factors that contributed to this. Part of it is that I was forced to move in the middle of my first year of middle school, when I was finally making friends. I was sent halfway across the country with just my brother, my mom remained behind for awhile to take care of some things. I was at an awkward age thrust into a difficult situation without the one person who was supposed to be there to guide me. This part also sounds a little selfish but I was used to being the baby and living with my aunt and two younger cousins, I wasn't anymore. I missed my mom, I missed my friends, I missed my home, I missed the cold air of Washington and the beautiful green trees. When we finally did get situated and I was living with my mom in Houston and then seventh grade started. Then he happened. I hate to admit that a boy was the final peg in my destruction but he was and it absolutely ruined me. And because of these factors and probably more that I have left out I became this scared, low self-esteem person.
This trip opened my eyes to that, and even before the trip I was trying to work on how I saw myself. And after a long talk with my mom I realized some things about myself and who I am- and I hope that I can find that part of the little girl I used to be. I want to be confident in myself, and I want to have a positive image of myself.
Despite crappy circumstances, I think this trip did me some good. I also think it was good for my aunt and my mother. I got to spend some time with my mom which I don't get to do often, I got to bond with my mom and my aunt and see my grandma and great grandmother again.
So... With all of this said, I am beautiful and I can do anything. :)

I hope everyone is having a blessed day and find something about yourself that you love.

Just Be Thankful

I just want to take a moment to say that I love my entire family and all of my friends. I am so thankful to have them in my lives. I am thankful to be alive and breathing.
Awhile ago my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and they gave him a year to live. Up until about five years ago I lived in Washington and he and my grandmother were the only family I knew for awhile. My moms family lived too far away for me to really know and I didn't know my dad at the time, so they were my only family. My brother and I would go and spend weekends, holidays, and summers with them. So the news hit me pretty hard. Today the doctors announced that the cancer has moved to his brain and he probably won't make it through the night. So I am thankful to be alive, something most people take for granted, I am alos thankful for all my friends and family who are there to support me.
I love my grandfather dearly and I hope that he will hold on. I love him dearly.
Everyone be thankful for all that you have, and be thankful for every breath that you take. You never know when you will take your last.

I hate dealing with customers... But at the same time I hate when its slow. The time just passes so much more slowly.

Romeo and Juliet are overrated...

So I was sitting in Spanish class one day talking with a friend, and I felt like writing a song. We also happened to be studying "Hamlet" at the time and so I felt like making a reference to Shakespeare in general. So I turned to my friend and told him to write a song with me, and somehow we came up with this amazing song that I love! It's a guy girl duet and the first one I've managed to get come out right, maybe because I wrote it with a guy. Sadly, you can not hear the tune. Anyway for your reading enjoyment, our song.
Side not: Bold will be guy, italicized will be girl, and regular will be sung together. 

Untitled:

I don't want a Romeo
I don't want a Juliet
I don't want to be another tragedy
I just want to be myself with you
I just want to hold you tight- just right

Give me the one who loves me
Uncondition-ally
Who will fight and make up (make up)
I don't want the fairytale- unreal
Give me
The down to earth
Ordinary
You

I don't want a make believe
or a dream come true
All I need is love and the truth
I don't care about the pain
I just want it to be real- so real

Give me the one who holds me
Endearing-ally
Who will be what I need (I need)
I don't want the insincere- fantasy
Give me the down to earth
Ordinary
You

I just wanna spend my time with you
Laying on a couch
Staying up late
Talking on the phone
Sharing kisses in the rain

So be mine forever                                          [This might be just the guy or just the girl not sure yet]

Give me

The down to earth

Ordinary

You

Well thats it, it still needs a little work, but that is the almost finished song. Title suggestions welcome.

What really matters

The Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS), yeah right. I am so impressed by the low standards the state of Texas holds for the future (that would be us kids) not. These tests are designed to tell our school whether or not we should pass onto the next level. The exit level TAKS is designed to tell colleges whether or not we are "college ready" and yet they make it so easy and it proves nothing. You would think standarized testing would hold higher standards, not to mention it does nothing to prove my knoweldge and or skill. Lets address knowledge first, shall we. There are plenty of things that I am knowledgeable about that the TAKS test does not test me about. For example I can fix a jammed printer (which I just learned today) among other things. As far as skill, I can write an amazing story, or say Hamlets "to be or not to be" speech in the play "Ophelia" and give people in the audience chills, even make some people cry. However none of these things are tested on the mandatory state testing, none of the things I can do, things that might actually help me in the future. I will admit the things I mentioned aren't that amazing, but they are just a few things. I can also give great advice, solve someone else's dilemma (not so great at fixing my own) and help people fix their arguments with each other. Those are things that actually matter in the world and college, yet if we don't score high enough on the TAKS we aren't college ready. The sad part is the TAKS test is really so easy most students are beyond what it tests. Yes the TAKS is super helpful.